Still Rocking Read online

  Once Tosha and Katinka tied the knot everything changed. I think we all began to look at life differently. It wasn’t a bad thing either. I think the union of two of our best friends was just what we needed for all of us to be pulled back down to earth. It was like an invisible bubble had popped and we were finally able to see the world beyond the stage.

  We were getting older, though our love for the stage never died. One by one we began to realize that we had no one but each other to share our success with. That is a harrowing and isolating thought.

  We had a plan as kids. We had vowed that we would get out there and we would rock the world with our music. Our goal was to make it big. We wanted to be successful, not for ourselves, but for our families, and our parents who believed in us since the moment we picked up our instruments and started to play. They believed that we would make it and do something with our lives. They sacrificed their time and their money to provide us with the tools to grow and become something.

  We had always said that after we made it big we would settle down and have a family. We wanted to have the type of life we had grown up in, a tight circle of close friends and family. We used to laugh and joke about all of us having kids at the same time so that our kids could be friends just like we were. Except for Katinka, we had always vowed that she would be the mother of the group that took care of us. She would never to marry because no one would be good enough for Katinka.

  I can’t help but to laugh at that thought. Our life had pretty much followed our dreams. Though we never saw Katinka marrying, she did marry someone from our group which was easier than we thought it would be to accept. She was still the mother hen. She always took care of us and when she found a house that would fit us all, she swooped in and purchased it.

  We all thought she was nuts when she bought this place. It was big enough for all of us. Providing just enough space that we weren’t on top of one another. Though massive, it was still cozy enough that we couldn’t escape one another for long.

  Once Katinka and Tosha removed the veil that had been over our eyes it began to feel as though we were all on the clock. There was in invisible countdown to settle down, marry, and have children. When Katinka and Tosha announced that they were pregnant the clock seemed to tick louder, and faster.

  Kiev called the house an estrogen factory. He was always complaining that the women in this house were pumping in through the air ducts, forcing us men to succumb to their will. I almost believed him. Though, the loneliness that hung around my shoulders like a shroud spoke volumes.

  I don’t think it was the estrogen emitted by the women that brought us to the light. I think it was the realization that one day we would be looking around full of regret for never taking the chance to reach for more.

  Nik and his wife Evie were about to have a baby any day, Damon had a little boy to call his own that he was raising with his girlfriend Alexa. In addition, Katinka and Tosha had their own little girl. Everything was falling into place, especially now that Kiev and his wife Emily found out that they were also going to have a baby.

  Despite everything going on around me, my best friends getting married and having babies, I knew that what I felt for Nina was real. It wasn’t a mission to wife someone and procreate to fulfill a fantasy. What we had started before Nik or Kiev got married. It started before Evie and Emily got pregnant and long before Damon received Dominik. It started that day in Russia at Katinka and Tosha’s wedding celebration. It started in that banquet hall, when Nina and I connected as the world fell away around us. I felt deep in my heart that this thing between she and I was solid, it was honest, and it was real. This wasn’t me grasping at straws. This wasn’t a cry of desperation. This was love in its finest, rawest form.

  Chapter Three

  “Uncle Ike, do you have time to babysit?” Damon asked from the doorway into my bedroom. He was standing there with a baby on each hip, Karina in one arm and Dominik in the other. I got up from my perch on the bed to retrieve the two infants.

  “Dude?” I rolled my eyes. “Karina, tell your Uncle D that Ike is a name reserved for old men, of which I am not.” I told the infant as I took her from Damon and expertly propped her on my own hip. She beamed brightly at me, flashing me her gums, happy to be with her Uncle Ivan. I could see the tell-tale sign of her first tooth breaking through her gums. I wiggled my nose at her lavishing her giggles.

  “Little D, don’t go letting your daddy get you into trouble with name calling.” I mock scolded my nephew as I took him from Damon and propped him on my other hip.

  “Date night?” I asked Damon taking in his clean denim jeans and crisp white dress shirt. It was definitely among his dressier attire since he became a father. Since Dominik had come into his life it had become rare to see him in anything other than jeans and a t-shirt covered in baby spit up. He proudly wore the classic dad attire.

  Damon looked away avoiding the question as he cleared his throat. “I shouldn’t be out late. Tink is at the studio with Nik and Tosha is out with Kiev doing yard work for the parents.”

  I gave him an understanding nod. “No probs. You know I’m all about baby duty.” Damon gave a nervous wave before heading off down the hall.

  I knew he wasn’t ready to talk about whatever was going on with him and Alexa. Everyone could see that there had been tension between the two. Alexa had been staying away more and more often. Lately she hadn’t even bothered to come home. I was starting to think that she didn’t consider our house home anymore. Though Damon tried to play it off like it didn’t bother him, we all knew him well enough to see that it did. His usually carefree banter and easy going smile now seemed forced and less often.

  I was kidding about the date night. I knew that Damon wasn’t a cheater. He was like the rest of us. When single we were like sharks, but once we have made a commitment we were loyal to a fault.

  “Come on thing one and thing two. Let’s go raid the fridge and eat all the junk food we can before the grown-ups get back. You know Uncle Ivan has all the good stuff.” I told the two giggling infants in my arms.

  Though Karina was three months older than Dominik, the two were nearly the same size. Dominik had been born a month premature. Along with his premature status came the fact that he had been underweight. With all the love he received from Damon and the rest of us Dominik managed to nearly surpass his older cousin.

  Katinka like to argue that Karina was just going to be small but mighty like her momma, blaming her own short stature to make up for the fact that Dominik was vastly gaining both weight and height over Karina. I liked to think that he was beefing up to take on the role of older protective cousin. Either way, the two infants loved when their Uncle Ivan babysat because he always broke out the goods. Applesauce and blueberry cobbler was definitely on the menu tonight.

  ****

  “I have no idea how you two manage to eat so much.” I cooed to the two infants that stared at me with sleep hazed eyes. They had each polished off a jar of applesauce and a half jar of blueberry cobbler. They now sat with bobbing heads as their eyes began to droop closed, remnants of their dinner smeared across their cherub cheeks and mouths.

  I disposed of the evidence of the desert fest into the trash can grabbing a handful of baby wipes on my way back to the two drowsy infants. With a hand over my mouth I stifled a chuckle. Both Karina and Dominik lay face down on the tray of their highchairs completely conked out. Pulling my phone out of my pocket, I snapped off several pictures sending them in a group message to everyone.

  Me: Uncle Ivan strikes again, lulling babies to sleep with his charm.

  Kiev replied to the image immediately.

  Kiev: Quit bragging about boring the kids to death.

  Ignoring him I stuffed my phone back into my pocket. I knew he was jealous of my mad skills. One by one I cleaned off the sleeping babies before scooping them up and carrying them upstairs to be changed and put to bed.

  I had heard so many horror stories about parenthood from guys I kn
ew but I couldn’t figure out what all the fuss was about. Sure babies cried a lot and could get pretty smelly but really, spending time with my niece and nephew had become the highlight of my day. I couldn’t imagine a life without them in it. I imagined it was easier for me because they were not my own children but I still didn’t think that would change anything. I think that having my own children would just bring more happiness and pleasure to the act.

  I had laid the babies down to sleep in the center of my bed. Using all of the pillows on the bed, I created a fort around them ensuring neither of them would be able to roll over and fall off the bed.

  With both babies sleeping soundly I pulled out my notebook and began to work on a new song I had been playing around with.

  I wasn’t sure when we would be going back to the studio to work on new music but that didn’t keep me from working on new songs and tinkering with new sounds. I had a lot of great ideas I wanted to get down before I shared them with the band.

  We had been a heavy metal band and would continue to be until the very end. But after sharing the stage with Dark Tide, in London, singing a new song Katinka had written got me thinking. Dark Tide was a metal band that was more industrial. I liked the sound of their music but when you combine their edgier industrial sound with our core heavy sound it was like fireworks exploding. I really wanted to investigate this path more. I really felt something coming together with the sounds.

  I wasn’t sure if we would ever use it and I didn’t care. The lyrics and cords continued to pulse through my veins as they poured out onto the paper. In my head I could see it all. I could hear the cords of the guitar, the heavy beat of the drums, the effortless rifts, and the squelchy snares of rhythm-generator. Stark percussion and loops distorted to the point where they created an entire cacophony of heart hammering rhythm paraded around in my head as my hand worked feverishly to get down every last detail.

  I was so deep into my work that I hadn’t realized how dark it had become. The sun had long past set leaving the room is a dark haze. The light sounds of the house coming alive began to penetrate my senses as I awoke from my trance.

  As if on cue Dominik began to fuss, his once full tummy now begging for substance and a diaper change. Putting my notebook aside I rose. I could feel the stress on my body from sitting in the same position for too long. One of my legs had fallen asleep sending the sensation of pins and needles to sear through the appendage. With a limp I made my way to the bed.

  “Hey there Mr. Fussy pants.” I coaxed the fussing infant as I scooped him up into my arms. Immediately Dominik hushed as he snuggled into my arms seeking comfort. I caressed the dark hair on his head calming him. His hair, much like Karina’s, felt like spun silk beneath my palm. The tiny infant puckered his lips making a sucking motion as if he was sucking on his bottle, his tiny hand gravitating toward his mouth. Within minutes he had his thumb in his mouth as he sucked away. It was truly the most adorable sight. Although he seemed content for the moment with his thumb in his mouth I knew that the silence wouldn’t last long. He would soon find that his thumb did not starve off the gnawing in his tiny stomach and begin to fuss again.

  I heard the door knob turn, announcing the arrival of one of my siblings, most likely one of the parents to the two munchkins I had been caring for.

  “Hey there Uncle Ike.” Katinka called cheerily in a hushed tone careful not to startle or wake any of the babies. I turned to face her giving her my best intimidating stare. “That’s Uncle Ivan the Great to you Myshka.” I struggled to keep a straight face as Katinka glared up at me from her tiny 5’2 stature. Her hands came to her hips as she gave me the perfect mom look, her face perfectly schooled into a flat disapproving stare.

  “Oy, I give. I give. Though might I remind you that Ike is an old man’s name and I am far from old.” I gently scolded her as I passed off the bundle in my arms, quick to busy her hands before she had a chance to use them on me. I could tell by the look in her eyes that strangling me with her bare hands was not far from becoming a reality.

  “Uncle Ike, you are and old man, get used to it.” She smirked as she snuggled Dominik to her chest. I rolled my eyes ignoring her. It seemed, despite my resistance, Uncle Ike was going to stick. I couldn’t understand why I had to get that name and not a super cool one that proudly displayed how amazing I truly was.

  “Don’t you think we could go with something a little cooler? Like maybe Iron Man Ivan?” I asked flashing Katinka my brightest disarming smile.

  “Nope, Uncle Ike fits you.” She shrugged her shoulder casually as though the matter was settled.

  “How about Uncle Ivan the Magnanimous?” I proposed liking the name immensely.

  “You’re an idiot.” Katinka muttered as she turned to leave.

  “Wait, wait. I have one.” I exclaimed halting her in her steps. “Uncle Ivan the Big-hearted, Super Amazing, Best Uncle in the World?” I proudly boasted like an excited kid.

  Katinka’s shoulders hunched forward and shook. Muffled laughter escaped her lips as she shook her head. “How about Uncle Ike the Moronic?” She said through soft laughter as she walked away.

  I stuck my tongue out at her retreating form. I didn’t care what she said. I knew I was awesome. I would have gone with Uncle Awesome but Damon had beaten me to it.

  A whimpering from my bed caught my attention. Princess Karina had decided to grace us all with her presence.

  “Well hello there my lovely detka baby.” I cooed as I picked up the fussing baby. With a quick sniff I quickly regretted letting Katinka escape without her daughter. Karina definitely needed a diaper change.

  “Hey man, have you seen D?” Tosha asked sticking his head through my open bedroom door.

  I smiled brightly at the man in front of me. “Not in a while. I’ll go look for him.” I held out his daughter to him like a gift. Karina’s eyes widened excitedly as she heard her daddy’s voice.

  “Karina missed her daddy.” I said with a wink as I waited for Tosha to get Karina in his hands. As soon as Tosha had the baby in his arms I quickly released her.

  With a firm sniff the look of disgust on Tosha’s face was evident. He knew he had been suckered by a beautiful princess with a dirty diaper.

  “Dude, seriously?” He asked cringing.

  “Your baby, your diaper. Besides, you know the rules. Whoever has the baby changes the diaper.” I flashed him a cocky smile.

  “Yeah, so that means you change the diaper. You had her.” He gruffed out.

  “Key word is had. The way I see it is you have her now. Besides, I have to go look for D.” I reminded him with a wink. Before Tosha could protest I slipped past him in the doorway making my way downstairs to my car.

  “I’ll tell.” Tosha threatened as I took the stairs two at a time. I tossed my hand in the air giving him a one finger salute in goodbye. “Quit being a baby Tosh.” I yelled back at him.

  I had no clue where I was going to start looking for Damon. I really didn’t think he was in need of being found. He was a grown ass man and perfectly capable of taking care of himself. Besides, he hadn’t been gone long. The man had spent the past few months cooped up in the house and deserved a break. I decided to go to Nick’s to blow off some steam and have a few drinks before starting my search. I had needed the peace and quiet of Nick’s to free my mind of the never ending circus that had begun to take up residence. I needed the liquid fortification to help drown out the edges of doubt that had begun to creep in at an alarming rate. Most of all, I needed to forget everything that was going on. Escape reality for just a moment as I drowned my sorrows.

  Chapter Four

  As usual, Nick’s parking lot was next to empty. It was part of the appeal of coming to the bar. Myself like the others enjoyed low key dives as opposed to packed more popular watering holes. It didn’t hurt that Jeremy, the owner, was a friend and we always supported our own.

  A familiar old silver Dodge quad cab sitting in the parking lot caught my attention. I guess I can scrat
ch finding Damon off my list of things to do before the night was through. I didn’t even have to work hard to find him.

  When I walked into Nick’s I expected to find Damon sitting at the bar chatting with Jeremy. Instead I found Jeremy standing alone polishing glasses fresh out of the dishwasher. Jeremy looked up as I came in. With a nod of his head he directed my attention to the far corner where Damon sat slumped over the table a beer in hand.

  Damon had a run in with drugs and alcohol not too long after we had hit the airwaves and blew up. He had been sober for years; occasionally he would have a beer or two so I wasn’t surprised to see him here. As long as he kept a handle on his drinking and never went for anything harder than a few beers none of us thought too much about it. However, he looked as though he had had more than a couple of beers. It looked more like he had drunk the bar dry. The sleeves of his shirt were rolled up his forearms; the top two buttons of his shirt were open exposing his white undershirt.

  I held off from going to the table and headed straight to Jeremy at the bar.

  “How long has he been here?” I asked Jeremy, not needing to specify who. Jeremy knew exactly who I was referring to. He knew that the five of us were like brothers.

  “He was waiting for me when I pulled up to open the bar. I couldn’t tell you how long he had been out there waiting before I got here.” Jeremy sighed as he looked on in Damon’s direction. Without asking Jeremy pulled a beer out of the cooler and popped the top sliding it toward me across the bar. I accepted it with a nod. “Thanks.”

  Beer in hand I saddled in. I walked toward the table where Damon sat taking in his haggard appearance. Damon sat there, hunched over his beer as he picked at the label. He looked like the weight of the world rested on his shoulders.